am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
