Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
