I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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