I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
