I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
