ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
