see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
