I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
