You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
