I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
