He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
