you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
