I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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