I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
