Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
