i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
