Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
