she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
