At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
