tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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