You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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