apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
