After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
