You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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