What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
