she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
