If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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