took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
