So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm passing your future prison.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
