would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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