Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
