I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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