I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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