some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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