His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
