Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
