If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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