Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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