I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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