I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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