Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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