I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
