dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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