Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
