Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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