And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
