Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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