just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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