I looked at my own cervix.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
