I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
