It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
