It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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