Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
