So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
