Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
