so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she told me i tasted like america
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
