I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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