I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
