How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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