i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
