come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
